Thursday, December 6, 2012

Just Smile And Wave

"Take it from me kid," the old man I was sitting across from on the bus said suddenly, ripping me violently out of my thoughts, "try and help the world and the world will swallow you up whole, without a second thought and spit you right back out in front of more people you'll be inclined to save only for the process to be repeated over and over again."
I stared at him blankly, he must have heard the conversation I just had on the phone or maybe he could read the thoughts on my face, either way I'd been through enough to be inclined to believe him. I smiled at him, "giving me advice is contradicting yourself is it not sir? You're trying to help me by suggesting I give up on people? Why not just take your own advice and let me suffer?"
He looked at me a nodded slowly, "ah, but you see it's too late for me, my whole life has been about putting myself second for others, at the age I am now and the downfalls I've been through because of my sympathy, what could simply giving advice to a young girl do to me?"
"Assuming I don't listen, make you feel like you failed?"
"Will you listen?" He countered.
I reflected on his question for a moment, it had been about a year since I started getting involved in others problems and tried to help them as much as I could, I couldn't remember a moment where I actually stopped to think about myself and what help I needed, I guessed this is what he was talking about, but I also couldn't think of a moment in my life when I was happier actually being able to help someone. Although those moments were few and far between.
I looked back at the man who was watching me closely, judging my reactions at his words. "What if I'm actually helping these people? Giving them another, sometimes more coherent view on their problems? What if, by stopping with my caring I cause more problems for them? What if I'm the only one keeping them sane? The only one they could turn to?"
"DO you believe you are? Their saviour? The one and only person they will ever talk to ever?"
My chest tightened, knowing, as much as I wished he wasn't, that he was right. Yes, I'm probably the fool who cared the most, but I was also the dispensable fool who wasn't actually a dependent part of anyone's life. I was lying to myself and somehow this random man on a bus had seen it and pointed it out.
Looking away from him I reluctantly answered, "no."
He nodded sympathetically. "I'm sorry."
Sick of this man and his "wisdom" I shrugged and decided to studiously ignore him. He seemed to understand and ceased trying to talk to me.
After about 10 minutes I turned back to him suddenly, "what if I depended on them, huh? What if I depended on feeling needed? The only way of feeling self worth? Thank you, sir. You just stripped me of anything that made me feel good of myself. I applaud you, another person you tried and failed to help. And you're right, giving advice to a young girl could have no adverse effect for you, but did you ever ponder what effect it may have on me? No? Shame."
And with that I stood up, leaving the bus on a stop which was still half an hour from my destination.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

To Her, From Her

The loss of pain, anger, hatred
Running through these veins, screaming to escape.
Maybe if she ruins this skin so sacred
She could stop blaming herself, maybe him, her, fate?

The will to do it representing courage?
The thoughts weigh down on her, sharp as a razor.
Leaving tiny milestones to pay homage,
The person in the mirror now a stranger.

Second time, the situation can be handled,
She lies, she knows this horror can no longer hide.
Her body, so perfect once, now just a shamble,
Her pillow, the one place her tears can confide.

Third time. Why? Where is the logic?
There isn’t any. The hate leading to it, the hate it causes.
If bought up, it’s a smooth lie, a sly change of topic,
She knows they don’t believe her, but no-one thinks and pauses.

The hurt, the pain, from her, to them,
To her, from them, to her, from her.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Lie To Myself

I’m fine, it was only once, he cares, they’re sorry,
Things will change, I believe you, people can’t see it, don’t worry.
They can’t understand, they don’t know, even if they do, she doesn’t care,
I’m strong, I’m happy, your hatred is fair.
I love you, I trust you, I believe everything you say,
I can handle this, it’s easy, he deserves it, he should pay.

I’m smart. It won’t happen again. I can handle myself without help.
I understand. It’s easy. Maybe I deserved that belt.
She’s wrong. I’m right. Nothing you say is true.
I’m funny. I’m pretty. I’m everything that’s not you.
I don’t love her. I miss him. I actually do not care.
I’m cared about. I’m loved. I’m more than just fair.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Fabled Truths

There is a chest hidden far away,
Deep within the depths.
Where many a man have attempted to quest and find,
Only to fail and suffer miserably.

It is said this chest is hidden in the soul
Of a land yet to be conquered.
And it holds the knowledge of powers and secrets
That this land has to offer.

And so the land never makes it easy
For the “knights” to adventure.
The road so full of treachery and peril,
They often cease their search, calling to other men, “beware!”

For nothing could be worth the tortures of the land,
The horrors the it puts them through.
Nothing can heal their tainted minds,
Ruined from their attempt.

Ignoring these warnings, there came a young sire
The Knight in Shining Armour kind of soul.
He saw the potential within the chest
And paid no heed to the dangers.

He trekked through the fields and fought off the wolves,
He battled other men and slayed fantastical dragons.
He swam through rapids and climbed the highest mountains,
All to catch a glimpse of this fabled truth.

When wounded and tired, hungry and thirsty
He finally discovered the cove, hidden so well.
Far away, behind the defences, within the depths of the land,
He saw the prize within his reach.

For a moment he worried, for he saw it was locked,
Could all of this have been in vain?
Reaching out towards the chest, he finally understood,
He was the key to the chest, it was he all along.

He acquired the knowledge, the secrets, the powers,
Everything to be known about the land.
Finally the land was able to breathe a sigh of relief,
Knowing someone tried and conquered.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Love Each Other

The car is his,
The shoes are mine,
The marriage is ours,
But we love each other?

The TV is his,
The bed is mine,
The holidays are ours,
But we love each other?

The lies are his,
The tears are mine,
The life is ours,
But we love each other?

The smile is his,
The grimace is mine,
The divorce is ours,
But we love each other.

Teddy Bear

She rocked in the corner, her baby ringlets swaying too and fro to the rhythm, her tears streaming freely down her cheek. Clutching her teddy bear, she buries her face from the screaming and fighting in the kitchen.

The screaming and fighting, the tears and the cries, the despair and the pain, the daily fear, waiting for when it will happen next. But her teddy is always there.

Her birthday comes around, she is excited and happy, running into the lounge room, clutching her teddy. She finds a drunk father, yelling at her mom, waving his hands dangerously. She finds her mum, cowering like a lost puppy, crying soundlessly.

She doesn't find presents or happiness, not a day trip to the beach or a visit from her family, but fighting and screaming.

She grows up, her life the same, more birthdays have passed, more years spent with just her teddy. She can't talk to anyone, can't say a thing, just clutch her teddy and wait until mummy and daddy stop fighting. If ever.

But now shes too old. The teddy isn't enough. She packs her bags and leaves the house of fighting and screaming. Her beloved teddy left on the bed. No grief no regret.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

She Sits Alone

The lone wolf sits
Alone, away from everything,
The lonliness overpowering
She sits alone again

She cries and she howls,
Hoping yet fearing that
One day someone will find her,
And understand her, so instead,
She sits alone again

Misunderstanding and anger well up inside,
This lone wolf who hates but loves so much.
Keeping to herself,
Hiding in the shadows of others,
She sits alone again.